The half marathon

It’s taken me just over a week to even be able to write about the half marathon last week. I don’t know if it’s simply post-race letdown, post-race exhaustion, or just a general feeling of malaise, but I found myself unable to write about the race experience last week. There’s no other way to put it – I was bummed out.

Why? Well, I can’t exactly say why I was bummed, but I can rule out a few things. Was I disappointed with my results? Not on your life! When the chip times came in, I had run it in 2:10:50, which was faster than even my “excellent” goal. Quite honestly, I had no idea we could do it that fast. (Yes, when I say “we,” I mean the “fearsome foursome” who trained together since January.) And Mike and the boys came down to the route around the 10K mark, then were waiting for me at the finish line. That night, we all went out for a big dinner at the Mandarin to celebrate, which was also great. (Although poor Mike spent the night chasing a very wild Chris, who kept insisting he had to use the washroom.)

So why so unhappy? I think it’s a combination of quite a few things. One is simply let down after it was over. For weeks, we had a purpose. Every workout, every run, was geared toward this end goal. Suddenly, that was gone. And even though it was gone because I had accomplished that goal, it was still gone.

Another reason was the end of the race. We were running at a fantastic pace, keeping steady on the route. But around the 19K mark, my legs started to get tired. Really tired. I mean, tired to the point I felt like I wouldn’t be able to move them anymore. (And my right glute had been bothering me in the weeks leading up to the race. I had been stretching it and had gotten a good massage, but at 19K, it was making itself know.)

I still kept running, but when two of my running buddies surged at the end of the race, I couldn’t do it. I desperately wanted to keep up. I knew I SHOULD pour whatever I had left into keeping up with them so we could cross the line together. But I couldn’t. Something in me just couldn’t do it. At the time, I didn’t care. I said to myself, “if I come in 10 or 15 seconds behind them, so be it. I don’t want to run anymore.” But afterward, I was mad at myself. (I still am, a bit.) Why didn’t I push myself that little bit harder? Why did I completely crap out at the end? (Okay, not completely… I still ran and cross the finish line, 11 seconds behind my friends.) But I should have pushed that little bit harder. It’s like I know I didn’t quite do my best, and it’s haunting me a bit. I’m used to giving 100 percent, and I don’t think it was my best effort.

And the final reason for my bad mood? (I mean, my final running-related reason – like everyone, I have plenty of reason to be a bad mood with this economy and all the stresses of everyday life! But that stuff is par for the course… those stresses are ALWAYS around.) Well, as much as I have resolved not to worry about my weight/appearance – yeah, I’m still obsessing over it as much as ever.

Sigh. I still feel like I need to lose that last 10-20 pounds. (Ten pounds would be a big difference; 20 would be even better!) And I still see all the things I hate about my body when I look in the mirror. Yeah, I know that’s not right, but that’s the way I feel. And I’ve had a few weeks of feeling big, tall, fat and ungainly. I went shopping for new jeans after the race, and came away more depressed than ever. So that has certainly not helped my mood.

The real question is, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to give up and accept it, or am I going to make changes? Those who know me well know there’s really only one option. It’s time for a change.

First comes purpose. Being a member of Tread Powerfully has its benefits, not the least of which is a weekly e-mail from Sue, who is quickly becoming my guru of all things health, nutrition and fitness related. (We all need inspiration, and she is the perfect one for me. An extremely fit mother of two who believes in the benefit of regular exercise and runs her own successful business… hmm, wonder why I would look up to that?!) After the race, she sent out one about finding purpose in what we do. It reminded me that although one goal is accomplished, there are more waiting in the wings, and I need to use that purpose to move forward. (Like my all-important goal of running the Mississauga Marathon in 2010. Oh yeah, that goal!)

So I have tried to map out my purpose between now and May, 2010. (Of course, the letdown in May 2010 could be worse, so I will have to find a new purpose by then! But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.) Here goes…

1. A 10K power walking race on April 26. Yeah, that’s right, power walking. I’ve run three 10K races since I started on this journey, but power walking is new to me. But the gang from Tread is gearing up to this race, and Sue has made a comprehensive training schedule for us, so I’m going to give this a shot. It’s totally different than running (ouch on the shins!), and it’s going to be weird not running for two months, but I’m up for the challenge.

2. The 5K Moon in June Race. Once the 10K is out of the way, I’m going to return to running. This time, though, I’m going for speed. Let’s see if I can come close to running a 25 minute 10K. I think my goal will be to break my best time of 27:10 for the 5K. If I don’t do 25, that’s okay, but something in the 26 minute range would be perfect.

3. The Scotiabank Half Marathon at the end of September. Yep, that’s half number two. The training at the Running Room starts in June, but the “Fearsome Foursome” might also be up for training together over the summer. I hope so, because I’d rather run with the Foursome!

4. The Boxing Day 10 miler in Hamilton on Dec. 26. Okay, this one is crazy… a 10 mile run (that’s 16 kilometers… not quite a half marathon) the day after Christmas. And did I mention that is also my 35th birthday? That’s exactly why I want to do it. I can’t think of a more inspiring way to kick off my 35th year than with this run.

5. The Mississauga Marathon in May, 2010. Enough said.

That means it’s off to the races again. No rest for the weary!

Oh, and what am I doing about the weight stuff? Well, I haven’t quite decided, but once the dust settles after income tax this year, I’m going to look into hiring Sue as a personal trainer. I need to build more muscle and I need to be held accountable for what I eat. I know WHAT to do, but I need someone to hold me accountable for doing it. I’m sure I will write more about that in blog posts to come.

In the meantime, I did my first speed interval power walk today, and I’m off to strength training class tonight.

Happy trails…