Weighty issues

Now that work has (finally) slowed down, I can take a bit of writing time to myself. It’s funny that I write for a living, but never seem to find time to do the kind of writing that is good for my soul. I guess I wouldn’t be a writer if I didn’t find writing to be cathartic – when I’m feeling low, writing out my problems always makes me feel better.

These days, most of that writing doesn’t take the form of a diary, but rather lengthy e-mails to a few very good friends. One in particular is another writer (who knows exactly who she is). She is the frequent recipient of very long e-mails. I swear, we often write to each other instead of talking because writing comes so naturally to us.

But writing was also the point of starting this blog, and I’m hoping that over my upcoming vacation, I might actually find some time to write blog posts about several of the issues that have come up in my life and in my training. I have plenty of ideas for topics to write about, but never any time to execute them!

For two whole weeks, though, I won’t have to write about the top five key performance indicators in your warehouse (blergh) or about how some company improved its warehouse with voice-directed picking (double-blergh). For two weeks, I am going to spend time with my family and start thinking about the future.

I’ve been dealing with quite a few issues this fall. I won’t go into to too many of them here, partly because it would be really boring to drone on AGAIN about my sucky career (I have one job I love, one job I tolerate and one job I detest) and how my kids are driving me crazy. It’s also partly because this is supposed to be my outlet to write about the running/fitness side of my life. I mean, I deal with work and family issues all the time too, but I want to take some time to reflect on the stuff I do that’s just for me. And that’s the running and fitness activities.

(Coming soon… updates on strength training, a fantastic new walking group I joined this fall and some interesting changes to my half-marathon training!)

Today, however, I’ve got something on my mind that I just can’t shake. It started last weekend, when I went out with three girlfriends to celebrate one’s very special milestone birthday. We had a great idea of having a lunch, then heading to a local spa for pedicures. It was, without a doubt, the most fun “me” day I’ve had in a long time!

As we were waiting for our toenails to dry, one friend was chatting about her weight. This friend, never overweight to begin with, had embarked on a weight loss program in the summer and was incredibly successful. She, like so many of us, had been eager to lose the “last 10 pounds.” (We’re all addicted to that show, by the way! My friend even e-mail Tommy Europe to see if he would come to Ontario, but sadly, they only film in B.C.) Well, on Saturday, she was telling us that she’s kept all the weight off, even during this holiday party season.

Then she did something I have NEVER had the guts to do… she told us how much she weighed! And I had to admit, when I heard the number… I was jealous! Not jealous in a “gee, I think I hate you now” kind of way, but a “gosh, I would do ANYTHING to weigh that amount” kind of way.”

So I replied, “That is amazing! I would give anything to weigh that, but I can’t seem to lose any weight at all.” (This, as an aside, is true. Despite embarking on a very healthy eating plan this fall and all my working out – five to six days a week, which includes four runs and three strength training sessions, some of which are combined – I weigh exactly what I weighed when I finished Weight Watchers after losing my Christopher baby weight.)

Now, our other friend piped up. I should explain that this friend, the birthday girl herself, is perhaps the most overwhelmingly positive person I’ve ever met. She sees good in everything, and has truly learned about the power of positive thinking. I find her an inspiration, and have been trying to be more positive myself under her influence. (Not that it works very often, being the cynical, journalist type that I am, but I am TRYING to have a more positive outlook!)

She said, “That’s why you’re not losing weight! It’s all in your attitude!” And she wouldn’t listen to any of my arguments to the contrary. Not about my reasonably healthy diet, nor my hectic training schedule. And she was so adamant, it got me thinking: was she right?

I’ve had a few days to reflect on it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that, no, she’s not right – but she is right. I realize that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it did open my eyes to certain things.

No, I don’t believe my inability to lose weight is a result of my attitude, but I DO think I need to change my attitude. I think there is one very good reason why I’m not losing weight – I’m at the weight my body thinks I should be at. It’s my MIND that is hung up on the number on the scale.

This is NOT the part where I disclose my weight on the Internet for all and sundry to read! But I will disclose the following details:

1. I am 5’11” tall. No matter how hard I try, or how much I exercise and weight train, I will NOT become a 5’2” size 0. Never going to happen.

2. I just bought a pair of pants from Lululemon in a size four. That is the smallest size I’ve ever worn in my life – even when I was a teenager and was the lightest I’ve ever been.

3. I have a body mass index of 22, which is considered a normal, healthy weight.

4. I weight train 2-3 times a week, including one very intense, one-hour strength training class per week.

And that’s where I think my friend might be right… my problem is my attitude. Maybe I weigh exactly what I am supposed to weigh. Just because, psychologically, I don’t like the number on the scale, it doesn’t mean that I need to lose weight. Instead of worrying about shedding pounds, maybe I should start shedding my own bad attitude and misconceptions about what I “should” weigh and just enjoy being fit and healthy.

Of course, I’m sure I could lose weight… if I starved myself, or denied myself every single pleasure I get out of life. I could refuse to put anything in my mouth that wasn’t 100% healthy… but then, while I might be thin, I would be miserable. I like having a glass of wine on a Friday night. I like nibbling on appetizers at a party. I like having dessert once in a while. And while I do have to be careful not to go overboard, I also work out so that I can “afford” to enjoy my food.

So really, my friend was right. My problem IS my attitude. Why am I so obsessed with the number on the scale? If I can drink wine, eat cheese, grab a Starbucks Chai, or pop a few French fries in my mouth and still buy a size four pant, why let a stupid number – a number that medical authorities tell me is a healthy number – bother me?

Of course, that is easier said than done. We all obsess over that number, all the time. But I am really going to try to focus on a few other numbers for a while, including:

-21.1 (kilometers; the distance of a half marathon)
-10 (pounds; the weight I want to be able to lift through my entire strength training class)
-4 (the size of my Lululemon pants)
-5’11” (my height)
-22 (my BMI)

In the new year, I might also investigate getting my body fat tested. I’d like to know, really, what is my percentage of body fat? Everyone swears up and down that muscle weighs more than fat. Is it true? Maybe it does… I certainly work out enough to have quite a bit of muscle. What if the scale says one thing, but I find out I’ve got 20% body fat? Or 15%? Will that make a difference to my attitude?

I’m certainly willing to try. Because the biggest problem isn’t my weight… it’s how it’s weighing on my mind.

Happy trails…